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Women and violence, in the end, my natural impulses revert back to those things. When I feel bad, stressed, frustrated, I either want to punch someone in the face, or grab the nearest woman. I've been suppressing both urges lately, but I'm starting to think... //why//? Why do I try to control myself when I've been repressed for my entire life? Why do I let anyone judge me and my actions and tell me what's right and wrong? So far, I feel my answer is experience. The average twelve year old has more practical emotional life experience than me. I trust my friends to know what's best, but sometimes I think that maybe I should punch the nearest guy or grab the nearest woman, for my own good. A good friend of mine says it's good to be selfish sometimes, I think I need to do more of that... being selfish, doing things for myself.

Another friend says I'm more obsessed with violence than women, since I seem a lot more prepared for beating the crap out of a guy than being with a woman. I don't know, don't care in particular. I'm young, I'll try to enjoy myself, I'll try and enjoy these wild impulses while they last, because who knows what'll come tomorrow, who knows when I'll wake up in the mirror a bitter fifty year old who wasted his youth.

I'll close with a question that's been bugging me lately: Why are girls more attractive when you realize they're not perfect, that they have dirty secrets? I know two girls like that, I don't understand it. You'd think the illusion would be more attractive, but... I want these flawed ferns.


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